Doorway

doorway

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As she entered the street she saw “Gauri ” standing at doorway with an ingenuous smile and she was in voyage of her memories.

Almost four years ago she left her in this orphanage . She had no choice, she was just 17. 

she stroked her hair and said “Mumma will take you with her one day”

PS: Its  my first attempt to 55 fiction . Hope you all will like it.

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12 thoughts on “Doorway

  1. That was quite touching….But why u made so many type errors *looks at you angrily*.

    She stroked ‘her’ hair. And make it ‘an’ ingenious smile.

    Given that it’s your first 55er, it is really good. But i would say that you can choose your words/lines in a manner that you can delay the revelation.

    Example: (see, i just swapped the last two lines).

    As she entered the street she saw “Gauri ” standing at doorway with an ingenuous smile and she was in voyage of her memories.

    She stroked her hair and said “Mumma will take you with her one day”

    Almost four years ago she left her in this orphanage . She had no choice, she was just 17.

    • Oops… sorry for silly mistakes… i ll correct them for now and will take care of it for next time…. 🙂
      Thanx for such a suggestion i ll follow it for next time !!

      • Your story was very goood….Don’t get me wrong. I am just saying that you should kinda try to keep the reader guessing till the last moment (though that strategy is flexible and you may or may not use it). So, u havent used that strategy here which is quite fine

        Very good swati….such a warm and loveable story you have written and that too in barely 55 words….You are a wizard of words (make that ‘witch’).
        Keval chand shabdon mein kitni marmsparshi kahaani rach di aapne…dekho dekho, mere comment bhi tumhara story se zyada lamba ho gaya hai…
        I wonder what you will do in future with this format, if your first story is so great *bows down and touches your feet*

      • OMG… this is so really lovable comment!!
        thanx a lot for ur kind gesture Ritesh… and i really didnt mind ur previous comment… i liked ur suggestion and i will follow them for sure…. and will always welcome ur comments and suggestions …..
        Thanx a lot once again!! i have just tried for 55 after reading ur blog…so ur stories are my real inspiration for it… 🙂

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